I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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