I want to stick my p in your. b.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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