I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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