My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
