Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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