I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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