just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
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Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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