You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
