Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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