Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
