Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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