I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?