Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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