I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
operation have a gay friend backfired
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
