fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
