i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
