I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
