Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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