I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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