Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
