If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
