this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
