checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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