Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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