i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My ATM looks so different sober.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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