maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
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Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
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Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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