So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think your dad took our porno
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
