Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
