I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
