so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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