A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?