i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I AM VODKA MAN
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions