I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
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Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you