What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
