I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
