i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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