i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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