Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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