So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
