She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
