I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
being pregnant is like rehab
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize