I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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