three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
