Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
