New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
