So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
