it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
