I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
