I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
