it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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