Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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