don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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