while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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