i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
