I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
