I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
