The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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