I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
