God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
