when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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